Coming Out

Do you ever start having a sexual identity crisis as you’re falling asleep thinking about sexual attraction and wondering if maybe you have felt it but only towards girls but you’ve conditioned your brain to not interpret it as that lolololololololol

This morning I’m thinking about how I’ve never, not once, with any boyfriend, felt safe or comfortable being held by them and it’s always bothered me and I’ve assumed it’s just been because of my control issues, and then about all the times at the dance studio we would curl up on the couch in a heap and how safe that felt and how I once said back when I thought being gay was a choice that I could see how someone could convince themselves they’re gay because I could, because physical contact and closeness with girls is safe and comforting and with boys it’s scary and uncomfortable and hard, but that’s just because relationships scare me right.

I’m afraid I don’t know how to relax into [my boyfriend], into a relationship. I don’t know what is holding me back, why I feel.. I dunno… I feel like I know him but that… some piece of me is holding back? IDK. He has been so good to me, and I fear I haven’t in return. I don’t know. I want to fall in love, but I have no idea how to do it, and I’m afraid I don’t know how. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, or one day a wife. I know how to be just me- but I know I don’t want to stay just me. I’m afraid I’m overanalyzing. And also afraid I’m falling in love with ideas more than him, and I want to fall in love with him. And I do love so much about him- so I don’t know what’s holding me back other than just fear.

I don’t know how to fall in love with someone or even what that means or feels like… I know I don’t feel it yet, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. And I get frustrated with myself for knowing I’m holding back something but not being able to identify what and why. Please give me clarity and please let my heart be able to love romantically. I feel like I’m messed up. I feel like a disappointment or a failure or… broken in some way. But I also feel like I’m sort of just placing too much pressure on myself. I don’t know. I feel like my mind doesn’t make sense.

He’s amazing and wonderful and so supportive and he’s funny and he fits in with my friends, and I like him so very much… but also, do I like him enough? Or in the right ways? Do I even know what that means? I feel like there’s something missing or that I’m holding back. … And I’m so surrounded by everyone else’s approval of him and their good opinions and hopes and expectations and it puts so much pressure on me somehow? The weight of feeling like I’ll let other people down if I can’t figure it out- or that if it doesn’t it’s because something is wrong with me.

I’m terrified and I don’t know how to do this. I want to — but I feel like something is wrong with me, that I don’t know how.

Please help me see [him], help my respect and admiration for him grow — let me see him as the man you created him to be, and let me learn to love him. Let my heart be open to being vulnerable and open. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Help me get out of my head and to be present with [him].

I don’t even know who to talk about this with because everyone loves him so much. And I feel like it’s just me being stupid. But was I supposed to feel butterflies? Am I supposed to get tingles?

I crack under the weight of knowing I’m never going to be able to make someone happy. I don’t know, why did this same thing happen with [my first boyfriend]? I feel like I see people falling in love with me, and I’m just observing. I’m looking in from the outside and I don’t feel like an active participant but as an observer of my life and I don’t know how to change that. Can you want to fall in love with someone but just not be able to- and where does the fault lie? Is it me? Or is it just “not right?” And if it’s not right, then what will be? If [this boyfriend] isn’t right for me, then who will be? I don’t know, I don’t know. I love [him], I love so much about him. But am I in love with him? No. Do I know how to be in love with someone? No fucking clue. But I feel like it’s not supposed to be hard.

Lord, give my mind peace. My peace and hope and life is in you alone. Go with me. Give me guidance and assurance and peace. Calm my anxious spirit. I want you Lord, more than anything else. I want your plans for me not my own. So please, give me your plans. Help me trust and follow you. Help me not be afraid to open my heart to someone else but also let me not force something just because it fits my theoretical plans for my life. I dunno. Help me see [him] as a leader, as someone I can relax into.

Lord, give my mind peace. My peace and hope and life is in you alone. Go with me. Give me guidance and assurance and peace. Calm my anxious spirit. I want you Lord, more than anything else. I want your plans for me not my own. So please, give me your plans. Help me trust and follow you. Help me not be afraid to open my heart.

After my first date with a woman

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